Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jerob's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, September 18th, 2007
9:28 pm	coming apart again. You go through stages. I was down a long time. Started sacrificing things to get through the day. If you didn't care, you weren't hurt. If you didn't care, it didn't matter if you were too scared to do something. Now I'm not that scared. I look around and wonder...what do I care about? Have I traded in my interests for a computer game and a bottle of beer? Is physical pleasure the only thing I worry about? Where is my ambition...
Thursday, July 26th, 2007
1:40 am	I'm going to attempt to write out what i'm feeling at the moment while not coming off as completely insane, nor an emo asshole. First, with every friend I have I feel like a third wheel whenever I talk to them with someone else in the conversation. Even more so, in my group of friends I feel like the odd man out. The person who would not be missed or called for if he wasn't there. Now, thats fine and dandy. Tonight it felt like it was my job to arrange our group doings for the evening, as often enough I feel that responsibility falling on me. However, no one returned my phone calls so I said fuck it. Then everyone seemed upset that I took them to a party that kind of sucked when all they would have done otherwise was dick around at home. Second, women are a large problem in my life. I think it has more to do with the great quest for sexual partners that crops up almost anytime we assemble in a group to go to the bar or just "hang out". It becomes competitive and stupid. Beyond that, I don't begrudge my friends their sexual conquests. However, when a woman chooses them over me it seems a message of "Well, they are better than you in these ways" followed by a lengthy list. I know I am a wonderful person. I feel I kick a good amount of ass when I'm sane. Yet this troubles me. I have a fragile ego publicly. It has taken me so long to develop ANY ego in public that it is weak and vulnerable. Finally,I feel that my mind is breaking. Every couple of days or so, with increasing frequency, I have been unable to arrange my thoughts. They seem like they are coming from someone's mind other than my own. I get extremely anxious, paranoid, and apathetic. The only solution if I must venture outside is to submerge myself in a tub in a dark room and drift off to a semi-dream state for a few hours. I don't know why this helps, but it allows me to function for a little while. Rant over.
Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
8:35 am	I woke up today with a question.....or maybe not a question, but more of a belief: A man can change his nature. I want to believe this. I want to believe that every criminal can reform. I want to believe that anyone can throw off the shackles of history, culture, and psychology and simply change. This is not to say that this change is an easy thing. By no means. I imagine that it would be different for each person. Some would do it on their own, yes, but many would seek help from friends, family, the church, therapists, etc. To prove this to myself, as well as to heal some of the pain I've dealt people I care about deeply, I have to change. I have to control my libido, not be controlled by it. I will do this without drugs. I will attempt to do this with simply willpower alone, but should I need to I will talk to people and try to get help. Much of the reason I am distancing myself from Jess is because of this libido I believe. I must stop this. I must become the person I wish to be, rather than the person fate has determined I should be. I've decided, both because I'm depressed and to mark this change in my mind, today will be one of fasting. Water only. That's going to be...fun.
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
3:41 pm	So...I'm back to this. Here we go. I got all my computer parts today. That was a bit of a woohoo moment. I was a bit nerveracked about putting it together, and have yet to attempt it. I was cleaning off the table to do this...when under mountains of shit from my parents, I finally find a piece of mail for me. Old mail, but mail none the less. It looked like a credit card offer...I was about to tear it up, but then I thought, "Hey...you don't get mail that often...check it out". So I look inside and in big bold letters it says...BALANCE DUE: YOU HAVE BEEN REFERRED TO A COLLECTION AGENCY. Apparently, I owe the community college a thousand dollars. Fuck my family. Fuck them in the ass. I have yet to see a bank statement for three months and the first piece of fucking mail I find in this house is an overdue warning that I have been referred to a fucking collection agency? I explode at my mom about it and she starts talking about how she never gets any of her mail. WELL YOU KNOW WHAT BITCH?! IF YOU DON"T HAVE A JOB, YOU DON"T GET FUCKING MAIL! ITS NOT YOUR MAIL ITS MY FATHER'S! AND NO, NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD NOT TELL ANYONE IF THEY HAD A FUCKING LETTER WAITING FOR THEM! YOU STUPID WHORE!
Monday, October 31st, 2005
1:29 am	Lets see whats on the noggin Halloween: This is not a small holiday folks. You cannot celebrate it the weekend before. Monday is Halloween. If you are not dressed up and doing whatever you can manage, you probably like killing small animals. Love: I'm pretty sure I've been brainwashed to believe that I need a relationship or an obession in my life. My life is pretty ok right now and the only thing I get depressed about is my lack of romantic entanglements. However, this isn't a huge probem, so I should stop letting it affect me. Friends snyde remarks: Anger is bad. Little sparks can lead to huge fires.
Monday, June 20th, 2005
2:26 pm	Alright, just thought I would throw up a quick update. I've lost a solid 15 lbs, possibly 20. I'm quite happy about it. Other than that...just been having fun and whatnot. Oh, I'm not creative enough at the moment to put a real effort into an update. Oh well.
Monday, June 6th, 2005
1:22 pm	Alright...lets see. I'm a fucking creepy ass guy I think. Its not good to realize that you are a stereotype. Oh no, its the sexually deprived long haired roleplayer who is overweight! Watch as he does strange things that he regrets later. Marvel as he stumbles over his own words when talking to anyone. And look folks, he does it all with a smile and a joke. Man...livejournal really draws out the emo. Oh well, I'm stuffed with it. And with tuna at the moment. And stale bread. Good stuff. Although I feel sick now. I wish I was attractive. That might be fun for a while. Or rich. One or the other because I would feel like I was cheating if I was rich and attractive. Fuck it...someone tell me a story that involves the most exciting new catchphrase sweeping Europe, "fagbomb".
Thursday, May 26th, 2005
12:32 am	Lets see...been a while. I've become ridiculously social, becoming a regular at Rich's Friday Night Party Fest. I've applied for...well, one job. Which is pretty lame on my part, but fuck it. I've lost 10 lbs. I'm starting to come to terms with myself and this is good. I've still got my low points, but it seems like they are only self sustaining. If I can break out of a funk, it will end. If I wallow, it will get deeper and stronger. And I can't get anything done when I'm depressed. Not to say that I get anything done when I'm happy, but at least I'm happy then. I'm hoping that the next month and this summer will bring more weight loss, perhaps some summer flings, and gainful employ. I have my sights set on going to Boston U. This might require some financial finageling and lots of work, but perhaps its time I actually work on something for once.
Friday, April 22nd, 2005
3:22 am	Trying to find out who you are is tricky. A year or more ago, if I were to say who I was, I would have said an antisocial geek with very lustful tendencies. Now...I'm a budding social guy. So, its hard to "be who I am" instead of just pretending or making the necessary motions to be normal. I can't dance. I simply can't. Maybe I just need more practice, but it was embarassing. Oh well. No real socialization either unless you count running into Jimbo, Frowy, and Gavin. I knew them already though. I think small, intimiate parties are more what I'm into. Even though the two "parties" I've attended, I've mostly just hung back and said nothing. Oh well. In time.
Thursday, April 7th, 2005
9:17 pm	Interfering in other people's lives is no good. It always gets me in trouble. I don't know why I still do it. I only want to help, but then it ends up backfiring on me. I had an online confrontation with Justin. I said I saw him hurt Joanie when they were both drunk. He denied it agressively, calling me names and a liar. Makes me wonder why. Its pretty much ruined my whole day. I don't deal well with confrontation. I was filled with rage for some time. Just pure unadulterated murderous rage. Of course, that rage turned to self doubt, depression, and one hell of a stomach cramp. I don't like the kid. He is a menace. He tried to kill her. Its none of my business, but he tried to kill her. Problems or no, he deserves to be locked up somewhere far away from her. I will try not to be around when he is. If he tries anything, I will do my best to defuse the situation without resorting to violence or hurting him too badly. Hopefully, if it comes to it, I can take him. I just...I don't know. Part of me wants to teach him a lesson. However, if I give into ever violent urge, no matter how justified, doesn't that make me just as bad as him?
Thursday, March 10th, 2005
9:16 pm	Alright, this is stupid. I'm actually thinking of sleeping at 9 o'clock. I have nothing to do. Or nothing worthwhile at least. I need to start getting something done with my life. I've pretty much decided that I want to go to college in Boston. Why? Because the Dresden Dolls are from Boston and because living in a city for a while would be a good experience. It looks expensive. And hard to pull off. But at least I'm working towards something now. Working...yeah, I should be doing that. Haven't gotten around to applying for anything, being afraid and lazy. I somehow think that my looks immediatly shout "Don't hire me". Just paranoia I guess, but thats not new. Alright, so just some random thoughts.
Thursday, February 17th, 2005
10:19 pm	To Whom It May Concern, I am coming down to Philly/Levittown to see my Catie. I will be kicking ass and chewing gum. I have gum. Spearmint. So if you want an asskicking or some gum, come see me and clearly state your desire.
Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
1:41 pm	Alright biatches, lets get another entry out. First day of school today. Not the first day of classes as they have been going on for a bit more than a week I believe. First and only class today was at 9:30. The schedule said it was two hours long. I didn't think that was right, but apparently it was. Adding to this outrage was the fact that the room has no heat and the book that I had for the other 115 Math is not used for this one. Lovely. So, I'm home and pissed as well as concerned at going in to face a number of other classes that have been in session longer than this one. I'm really missing Caitie. I would say there have been three stages to the seperation from her. The first stage wasn't too bad. We talked on the phone alot and on the web and I was still pretty well fueled from our last couple of encounters. Next was the physical withdrawal. As a man who has held off for so many years, having sex and then having it taken away by our distance has been...difficult. My sex drive has been up, down, and now is way up all the time which is very annoying. I feel like I'm 13 again. The third stage has been the hardest and is just now setting in. The lonliness. I have friends. I hang out with them. However, there is just something about being so intimate with a person that you are actually THERE when you talk to them. You don't have to quote stories from a forum you read or pass off jokes you heard on comedy central as your own. You don't feel obligated to make them laugh. You just feel...together somehow. Like there are actually is a world outside of your head. You understand reality and accept it without rebelling against the idea. Its a lovely feeling and thats what I'm lacking.
Saturday, December 11th, 2004
11:14 pm	I am unhappy tonight. I know why I think, although its nothing specific. I mean, some of the factors are that I haven't really gotten to talk to Caitlin for any amount of time today or yesterday. It might also be because I hate the way I look and hope I die of heart failure. I don't like that a big obstacle of me killing myself is that I don't want anyone to find my disgusting body. Just being a depressive slob in general today. My brother has been smoking downstairs. That ends as soon as I see him. Likewise, my friends are strange and don't offer me any comfort in their being around. I really just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Oh well, I will deal with it and return to my braindead, selfdestructive ways soon enough.
Saturday, December 4th, 2004
11:38 pm	I am going to explode. I am trying to do everything at once and failing. I've stopped caring about my classes. I've stopped caring about myself. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying to juggle keeping Stephanie from killing herself with whatever meager arguments and assurances I can bring to bear while at the same time trying to remind Caitlin that I love her with all my heart. I'm getting hammered from both sides and if I shift any way from the center I might watch a friend die or watch my heart shatter into a million pieces. I've been eating, telling myself this is what fat people do to feel better. It doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me full. And dealing with feeling painfully full and wanting to vomit is easier then remember that I want to just crawl into a corner and never come out. I don't know why the smallest responsiblilites or the tiniest bit of obligation becomes insurmountable to me. I just don't want anyone to rely on me because I can't trust that I will be able to do it. Why can't I just have a moments rest instead of this perpetual time of waiting for the next big disaster.
Monday, November 29th, 2004
1:45 am	I think I should stop thinking of my audience, however tiny it may be, when writing this thing. While of couse the reason that everyone enjoys online blogs so much is because they can freely express their inner feelings in a situation in which no one can actually lash back at them, I have to try to forget that anyone can read what I am typing. Otherwise I will always censor what I say. I know what I want to do. I want to experience some level of freedom. I have not exactly had a normal last couple of years. I always thought that I would live in this house for the rest of my natural life for some reason. Now, while my rebellious mind tells me that I would simply be locking myself into the system, I want to get a job. I want to get an apartment. I want to get a liscence and a car. I don't know if I can handle doing these things while going to school. I'm not completely sure I want to go to school. I can't see my future. I can't see anything beyond this rut. I can project myself growing older...my friends moving away...dying...any number of things. I will still be the same and in the same place. Now, this might occur if I start moving as well. I may grow lax and just get stuck in that job. I might get stuck in that apartment. Honestly, Stephanie's experiences have almost scared me off of real life altogether. While I know my family would give me less hinderence than hers, I don't believe they would give me any support. My mother, while she shows her smiling face to all of those who enter my house, we who live here have to deal with the real her. The drinking, yelling, perfectionist. The brat. She is needy and I am was her support in the house. I don't know what would happen if I attempted to take hold of my life. I haven't been to therapy in a while. Monetary issues are what I have been told and accepted as the reason, although I know my mother will give any excuse to keep me from therapy. She fears it. As well she should as parents are always to blame for alot of a person's problems. Also, I have kind of heaped this as a burden on them. I make my dad drive me there. They pay for it. I give nothing. I give nothing to anyone. I mean, I try to give what I will give back to me honestly. I guess, if I was honest with myself, I would say I invest in people. I invested time and energy into my friends so that they would return to me socializing, roleplaying partners, and hopefully other benefits. I invested in all of those people I've let cry on my shoulder so that they could return to me a feeling of being useful and important. I've invested in Caitlin my emotions, attention, and money for sex, love, and companionship. I just feel that I can't give anything without strings attached. I...can't go on with this right now. I've just driving myself deeper and deeper. I think I will sleep so that perhaps I can escape until morning.
Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
5:25 pm	PS: I hate when I fall asleep on the phone.
5:24 pm	What do you do when you realize that the person you are is someone you would hate to be around? If you knew that every instinct and innate reaction was one that would cause you to flip out and kill someone if you were on the other side? I hate myself. Not because of what I look like or my situation in life. I hate myself because I know I would not want to be friends with myself. I'm not a great person. I'm not honest or thoughtful. Usually I can't think more than 10 minutes ahead of what I am doing. There are things I will just not do, but is that really some moral highground? Not really. I find nothing whatsoever redeemable about who I am and I don't think I can change.
Sunday, October 31st, 2004
11:21 pm	Halloween Tonight was the most Hallow of weens. While initially I was extremely depressed and didn't want to go, I'm glad I did. It gave me a bit of an avenue to meet new people and only passingly talk to them, but more social none the less. I went as a zombie/crazy guy with a torn up shirt and fake blood and makeup. I liked the makeup that my father did as it looked very strange. Also, I was able to vent some frustration on my old work shirt. I met Julie, Steph, and Anthony at Citgo where we waited for Erik to arrive. Then we called him and he told us to meet him at the end of the parade. So we got a moving. I have to say that political costumes, while they could be funny, end up just being annoying. Halloween is neither a political rally or a protest. Leave your politics out of it. Other than those few annoyances most of the costumes were wonderful. Then we found no Erik at the firehouse so we trick or treated our way back to Stephanie's. Once there she summoned Mike, who I must say is a complete horny bastard and annoying to boot. He kept making really strange references towards Stephanie and offering her sex. It was strange and he's gross and not funny. Then oddly enough Anthony and his(I assume) girlfriend Melissa arrived and then shortly after that, Tom. By this point Stephanie was drunk as that seems to be a Halloween tradition with her. They all proceeded to act like total fools as Stephanie threw herself at Tom as he had fangs and it was all hilarious. Then we left. I was assuming we would continue trick or treating as I had obtained a mere pittance, but instead we went into town and sat on a stoop, talking. It was quite entertaining as many people passed by and there were musicians playing. There was a very nice jazz trio earlier in the evening; a stand up bass, sax, and a guy playing empty buckets. The costumes were amusing there as well as the townies have a bit more of a fixation with the odd. Many gasmasks and crossdressing. Then Steph wanted to attack her liver further so I parted ways with that trio and went home. I am quite pissed off with Erik and Zach as we ran into them twice over the course of the night and they totally breezed by us. Erik is an asshole when it comes to girls and I think he learned that from Zach. I have seen him be very deeply involved, at least sexually and time wise, with at least 4 girls in the past 4 months. Its ridiculous. He needs to understand that sex is not something that one should take lightly. I may be a bit more hardline on that so I'll put it this way. Unless you know what the other person wants for sure, then sex shouldn't be taken lightly. I'm sure that some people will just want a sexual relationship or a one night stand or friends with benefits or something along those lines and that is fine. However, when you assume merely because a girl has done that in the past that you are getting the same treatment you are playing with someone else's emotions. Steph is just a wreck from him doing that to her. I mean, I didn't really care before because I wasn't friends with his other sexual liasons, but this sucks. I'm really starting to dislike him for how he led her on and then suddenly pulled the plug. I'm too protective of people with problems.
Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
2:42 am	To put something positive in my livejournal for once, Caitlin is the sweetest girl on the planet. It seems that even when she is sick she stops to think about me. I wish there was something I could do to immortalize that girl's love for all so that anyone could catch a brief glimpse of the outpouring of her heart and know that life is worth living.